So Mike, what's shakin?
I've had a few beers and I'm feeling nice and I'm about to have a really good dinner.
So, Mike, what are your impressions of the good ol' US of A?
Stereotypical: Arrogant, money-driven, fat, wash myself with a rag on a stick. Jerry Springer types. Loud and brash as well. This is before I visited there and the impression TV gave me.
After going there: Amazingly friendly, not as money-driven as I thought and just generally cool, relaxed people (except New York because everyone I met there and had a conversation with was generally nuts. There was the coke addict, George Costanza's mother times four, and the Woody Allen guy at the airport who freaked out when his plane was delayed and was muttering out loud how his mother was right and he shouldn't fly.)
The country was beautiful, Vegas was nutty, San Francisco is cool and New York is the best city in the world. Chicago is beautiful and home of the Black Hawks.
What are the differences between Americans and Australians?
Not much, really. Americans seem to have this sense of outer national pride, wheras we have this sort of inner national pride, until we're drunk, and then we're much more like you guys. There is more choice of everything at supermarkets in the US. Stuff is cheaper. Smokes and books, cds, junk food. American junk food is the best in the world. I have never had such awesome junk food before in my life. You really do it well. Chicago pizza is the best I've ever had and the hot dogs there were great. Buffalo wings in Chicago were fucking awesome.
How do you mean?
Fuck off. They were spicy and really nice and served with that bleu cheese dressing that balanced it out nicely.
See, that wasn't so hard. So what were your least favorite things about the States. Or, more specifically, what did you think was shit?
Your homeless. It seems like Americans have gotten used to the homeless as a novelty as opposed to a group of people who should be helped. Everywhere I went I noticed the amount of homeless.
But you get homeless people here?
But there not as prevalent. In Melbourne you can go to a street corner and there's a possibility you won't see a homeless person. In the big cities in America I could be guaranteed to see them about on every corner.
I just remembered something else. You pay way too much for sporting events. I paid US$80 for good seats at a hockey game for a shit team, whereas here I wouldn't pay more than twenty.
What do you think Americans would find most surprising about Australia and Australians?
That we speak English. That we don't own Kangaroos as domestic animals.
I see you're holding a cricket bat in my face and looking rather menacing. Could you describe the game of cricket to an American with no experience in the sport?
Okay. It's like baseball but better. Played by people who do it for the love of the game and not money and we play it on an international level. Our world champions are actually world champions because they play teams from other countries and not just teams from our own country. Apart from that, it's actually terribly boring and you watch it to get drunk.
And for a last question, why are Australians such a bunch of lazy drunken fuckwits?
Because our nation's birth was through diplomacy and we didn't have to fight a war.
Just couldn't be bothered, eh?
Fuck yeah.
Thanks, Mike. You are truly an all-aussie bloke.
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